Thankfully school saved me. Once I began school it became my escape. I made friends, I felt safe there, I had fun, I felt like a normal child.
At home it was a different story. I took care of myself. I was 5 years old, getting off the school bus, unlocking the door, warming up my food in the microwave and sitting on the floor just waiting for my parents to come home. I would spend hours and hours alone.
I liked being alone. If I wasn’t in school I prayed I would be alone when I got home.
When they were around, my father & stepmother, they tortured me. My father molested me for over a decade. He would beat me almost daily. He even sent me to the hospital a couple times. When someone asked me why my arm was in a sling I always knew to lie. He stepped on my neck once and almost broke it.
My stepmother was no better. She fucked with my mind. I yearned for a mother and despite her emotional abuse; I still fell for her all the time. I still tried to get her love, but each time I tried to win her over, she made sure I knew how hated I was. She would tell me often how ugly I was. How gross, fat and disgusting. I think the emotional abuse she put me through was worse than the physical and sexual abuse that I endured from my father.
At age 9 I attempted my first suicide. I couldn’t deal with that life anymore. I wanted to die and get away from my monsters. I threw myself in front of traffic, but was saved by the very person that drove me to jump in the first place.
As I got older and started to develop, the molestations got worse. My father even told me he was going to rape me.
I had one thing going for me during these times…. school. I freaking LOVEDDDD school. I loved learning. I was introduced to many new awesome things that I would end up using to escape from my nightmare.
I fell in love with reading. I realized that when I read, I was able to escape my world and go into any world I desired. It was amazing. Reading helped me develop my creative muscles sooooo much, that before I knew it, when something horrible would happen to me, I was able to check out. Just go back into this little, safe, imaginary world that I had created for myself. In this world I was safe. Sometimes I was Xena, warrior princess! Or the pink power ranger! Pretty soon I started writing my own stories. I started creating stories about the life I would lead when I grew up.
If it weren’t for school and the creativity it sparked in me, which allowed me to escape my reality, I don’t know if I would still be here.
When I entered high school I began planning my escape. I knew that if I could get into a good college I would be able to move away and I would be free.
Unfortunately it wasn’t that easy.